Developing, Nurturing and Maintaining a good Relationship with Your Children – Part 3

 

Earlier in my marriage I read the book called ‘The Five Love Languages’ written by Gary Chapman.  I really enjoyed the concept that people give and receive love in different way and that finding out what your spouses’ love languages are would enable you to ‘speak love’ to each other more clearly.  I immediately applied the concepts to my kids trying to determine what their individual love languages were.  

Now I own and have read his book “The five Love Languages of Children”.  Also fabulous...  and so I’m just going to summarize each of his ideas and pass them along…

First of all, CHILDREN NEED ALL FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES TO FEEL LOVED.  I found this rather interesting.  Even if you see your child having one or two main love languages, they still need ALL FIVE.

This is one I can see clearly in my Emily.  She wants to be hugged, and tickled.  She wants to sit close to Dad and drape her arm around him and snuggle into him.  She wants to lie on my lap and  have me tickle her back.  She is somewhat like a cat… and I don’t particularly like cats… so I have to remember that this is how she feels loved.

“Our children need plenty of touches during their first few years.  As a baby grows and becomes more active, the need for touch does not lessen.  Hugs and kisses, wrestling on the floor, riding piggy-back, and other playful loving touches are vital to the child’s emotional development.  Children need many meaningful touches every day and parents should make every effort to provide these expressions of love.”

Practical Ideas:

• Hug and kiss your child every day when they leave and return from school.
• Put your hand on their shoulder or back as you approach them or tell them something.
• Stroke your child’s hair or rub their back when they’ve had a difficult day or are upset.
• Shortly after disciplining them, take a moment to give them a hug and tell them that you still love and cherish them.
• Snuggle closely together on the couch when watching a movie.
• With younger children, read stories together with your child on your lap.
• Occasionally yell out for a group hug for your entire family.
• Tuck them in at night –  (I vividly remember feeling loved by my mother when she sat by my bed to talk as I went to bed… and I know my kids feel that too, but I need to do better.)

This one is my Katie.  She loves to hear that I’m proud of her or that I think she looks beautiful or that I think she made a smart decision.  Who doesn’t?

“In communicating love, words are powerful.  Words of affection an endearment, words of praise and encouragement, words that give positive guidance all say, “I care about you”.  Such words nurture the child’s inner sense of worth and security.  Even though such words are quickly said, they are not soon forgotten.  A child reaps the benefits of affirming words for a lifetime.  Conversely, cutting words, spoken out of short-lived frustration, can hurt a child’s self-esteem and cast doubts about his abilities.  Children think we deeply believe what we say.”

Practical Ideas:

• Write love notes to each child several times a year.
• Put a post-it note in their lunchbox with some encouraging words.
• Take a picture your child has created and frame it with a note of why it means so much.
• Make a poster of praise to put on their bedroom door.
• When a child makes a mistake trying to do something helpful, first use words that recognize that you knew of their good intentions.
• Leave a note on a cereal box, bathroom mirror or other place you know your child will look.
• Make a habit of mentioning something specific you’ve observed that highlights your child’s accomplishments.
• Make mention of each child and their accomplishments during Family prayer.

This is one of Ryan’s main ones.  He’s always wanting to play games with us, watch movies, and stay up and talk to us.  He craves attention from the both of us. 

“The most important factor in quality time is not the event itself but that you are doing something together, being together.  Quality time does not require that you go somewhere special.  You can provide focused attention almost anywhere, and your most nurturing quality times will often be at home, when you are alone with a child.  Finding time to be alone with each child is not easy, and yet it is essential.  In a society where people are increasingly spectators rather than participants, focused attention from parents is all the more critical.  It takes real effort to carve out this kind of time in your schedule, and yet making the effort is rather like an investment in the future.”

“Quality time should include pleasant, loving eye contact.  Looking in your child’s eyes with care is a powerful way to convey love from your heart to the heart of your child.  Studies have shown that most parents use eye contact in primarily negative ways, either while reprimanding a child or giving very explicit instructions.   Most of your eye contact must be pleasant and loving.”

Practical Ideas:

• Include your child in your daily activities such as laundry, grocery shopping, or washing dishes.
• Stop what you are doing to make eye contact with your child as they tell you something important.
• Cook something together for a snack.
• When a younger child is showing you something, crouch down to their eye level or gather them into your arms.
• Seek opportunities to spend time together as a family.
• Share more meals together as a family.
• Open up a photo album that has pictures of your child’s earlier life.  Sit together and talk about the fun and emotion of the events in the pictures.
• Ask very specific questions about your child’s day that do not have a yes or no answer.

“The grace of giving has little to do with the size and cost of the gift.  It has everything to do with love.  Today we parents don’t always think of necessities as gifts but as items we must supply for our children.  And yet, we often give these items with loving hearts for the sincere benefit of our children.  Let’s celebrate such gifts.   Unwrapping a present provides an emotional thrill for a child, and you can demonstrate that every gift, whether a necessity or a luxury, is an expression of your love.”

As I order or buy things my children ‘need’, such as new clothing, I usually save them in a basket above my closet.  For Valentine’s day my children all received a new item of clothing wrapped in red paper… all from the purchases I had done in the last couple of months and saved waiting for a special event.  I could of just given it to them earlier but the excitement of seeing the presents wrapped made everything more exciting.  It’s not the PRESENT that’s important; it’s how things are PRESENTED.   To go along with our Valentine’s gifts we had a Valentine’s Day Dinner with all red food.  Then I hung “love note” hearts down from the ceiling to hover over the table.  When Luke came in to the dining room and saw what I was doing he exclaimed, “Oh, Mom, I love you!”  He could just tell I was doing something special… and could really feel it as an expression of my love, even as a 3 year old.

Practical Ideas:

• Give personally made coupons for your child, good for some of their favorites, such as an extra half hour of time with you before bedtime, or a small treat next time you are shopping together.
• make after school snacks memorable by serving them on a special plate in a funny place.
• Create a scavenger hunt for a gift that includes a map and clues along the way to the main surprise.
• Hide a small gift in your child’s lunchbox.
• Give hints leading toward a special  upcoming gift.  A countdown of notes help create huge anticipation and a tremendous amount of love for those who especially enjoy receiving gifts.
• Keep a chart and some fun stickers to keep a record of accomplishments.  Reward your child with a gift after a set number of stickers are earned.

This is one of my main love languages.  If anyone volunteers to help with laundry or dinner then I really feel loved… as this is what occupies most of my time.

As a love language for children, it’s a little different…

“Loving service is an internally motivated desire to give one’s energy to others.  Loving service is a gift, not a necessity, and is done freely, not under coercion.  When parents serve their children with a spirit of resentment and bitterness, a child’s physical needs may be met, but his emotional development will be greatly hampered.  Because service is so daily, even the best parents need to stop for an attitude check now and then, to be sure that their acts of service are communicating love.”   I thought that was note-worthy.  I need an attitude check every now and again… and I also need to verbalize that I do what I do because I love them.

Acts of service can become a model for your child’s service and responsibility.  You may wonder how your children will develop their own independence and competence if you serve them.  But as you express your love by acts of service to your children, doing things they may not yet be able to do for themselves, you are setting a model.  This will help them escape their self-centered focus and help others.  That’s our ultimate goal as parents.  Thus, acts of service has an intermediate step.  We serve our children, but as they are ready, we teach them how to serve themselves and then others.”

Practical Ideas:

• Help your child practice for their sports team
• Sit down and help your child as they work on homework.
• Make a favorite snack when your child is having a difficult day.
• Instead of just telling your younger children to go to bed, pick them up and gently carry them and tuck them in their blankets.
• Begin teaching your child the importance of serving others by helping them serve someone else in the family.

It has been interesting to explain the five love languages to our children and ask them what they think they are.  My older children really understand it quite well.  Additionally, our children need to know what OUR love languages are.   By communicating to our children what makes US feel loved they will be more aware of what they need to do to show us love.  Chris jokes that since we have 6 kids and each need 5 different love languages… plus each other… that’s 35 love languages to keep track of each day…that’s a lot of love!    Sometimes I am aware of my children’s ‘languages’ and other times I’m too impatient to give them what they really need or too frantic to notice until the day is over and I’m reflecting about missed opportunities. But I love the concept and I’m trying to incorporate the ideas more and more.