Parenting Words to a new Friend - 2012
[As we were moving into our Heidelberg Ward, another family was ready to move out. We just overlapped a few weeks but we were instantly drawn to each other. She asked if she could email me some questions about parenting and I happily agreed. I recently found this email - 10 years later - and thought it would be fun to add to my blog as a record of how I looked at Parenting and things I was trying to work on.]
Hi! I hope your flight and move went well and you are getting settled in. Sorry it has taken me so long to write you. I have thought about our conversation a lot, though, and it has been good to reflect on the things we do that have helped us enjoy our family, enjoy parenthood, and live the gospel. Like you, I too have been a collector of ideas. I love to hear from 'older mothers' and hear their tricks of the trade -- and end up copying some of their ideas or changing it to fit my personality and my kids. I hope you'll do the same. Take whatever ideas you want or change them entirely to fit the needs of your family. Some of what I'll write you will already know and do, but I will write it nonetheless.
Attitude. I'm not sure how you really just decide to love being a parent but I feel like your attitude towards EVERYTHING in life determines so much of the outcome. Having a strong testimony of the importance of motherhood helps me embrace it. Sometimes cleaning up messes all day doesn't feel spectacular but when I read Ensign articles, Conference talks and listen to Mormon Channel conversations about motherhood, the Spirit overwhelms my heart and those sacred feelings help me though the day. Sometimes I listen to those talks while I fold laundry. Makes me love laundry and being a mom.
I try to tell my children often that I love being their mother... that I am so lucky to have gotten the best six kids that were up in heaven... and that I'm so in love with their dad. We make sure to hug and kiss (appropriately) in front of our kids a lot... and hold hands. There should be no question in their minds that we love each other. We also tell them that we can't wait for them to go to bed so that it will be Mommy/Daddy time. They don't love it that we love when they go to bed, but they need to know that we value our relationship just as much as we love our family relationship.
I love the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I read it years ago and was so fascinated to realize that each person feels and shows love differently. Knowing what my husbands love languages are helps me know how to show him that I love him. Since I am a 'words of affirmation' and 'acts of service' kind of gal, if he tells me I'm fabulous and helps fold laundry then I could just melt. Chris is more of a 'quality time' kind of guy, so I know hanging out with him on the couch, even sleeping on his lap, while he watches a football game tells him I love him. The same author wrote a Love Languages for kids as well. I have not read it {yet} but I want to. Just from the other book I have categorized my children and figured out their love languages. It has helped me know how to parent them. All kids need all five but some need 'words of affirmation' more than others etc. Anyway, just a great book that has helped me in the relationships with my family members (parents and siblings included.)
Chris and i LOVE LOVE LOVE Gene R. Cook. We especially love his book and CD "Raising Up a Family to the Lord". We first listened to the 'tape' when we were engaged and decided it would be the pattern for how we raised our children. We've listened to the CD countless times and can quote it to each other. Highly recommend it. It will give you a lot of great parenting tips.
We have a family timeline. My dad made it up for our family when I was little and now Chris and I have made one for our family as well. It has the years across the middle from the year that Chris and I got married to 2040 I think. My dad's was on a big poster board and ours is on simple graph paper. Each person in the family has their own 'line' underneath the 'year line'. Each child's line starts on the year that they were born. On their line we've written all important milestones and when they will take place... a mark on their line for when they'll go to nursery, start primary, start Kindergarten, get baptized, receive the priesthood, go into beehives, miamaids, lauels, deacons, teachers, priests, go to university, go on a mission... ALL IN PENCIL. It's our family PLAN. Once a year or so we pull the family time line out and PEN anything that has now actually occurred. We want our family to know what the plan is. We expect that this will happen. We don't say IF you decide to go on a mission, they see it actually on their line like a part of their PLAN. A couple mission is on our line as well, and the kids can see it. The neat thing about this family timeline is seeing how the kids lines match up. When we were deciding if we should move to Germany we pulled out our family time line and looked at the next three years on the timeline. In the grand plan, three years didn't seem like it was really that long. We also noticed what things would be taking place in the next three years... Ryan receiving the priesthood, Katie going into YW's, Emily and Megan being baptized. We love looking at how old the other kids will be when Ryan's on his mission, or when Katie starts driving. It really is a fun idea. On our lines, Chris and I have written in where we have lived, what Chris' professional life has been like, what callings we've enjoyed etc. It is a wonderful piece of history as well. Maybe I'll take a picture of it and post it on my blog soon.
I already told you I love FHE. Love it. What I love and what my kids have really loved is doing worksheets. I make handouts, art projects, little Baptism booklets where the kids have to fill in the blanks etc. We do lots of drawing and writing and coloring. Then they write their name and the date and how old they are and then I do lots of saving. We have a FHE journal... a 3 ring notebook with plastic sleeves where we keep all of these treasures. We love to look through it and see when Katie scribbled all over the picture when she was one. I do a lot of these kinds of activities on Sunday afternoon as well. Usually I'll pick a topic for each month and then create or print out lots of activities that have to do with this one topic (this month is baptism). Then they are all ready for whenever I want to do them. Some Monday nights we just go to the park and eat ice cream or play games but I try to fit the gospel activities in wherever I want. My kids LOVE to see something prepared like that. They see me printing something out and then get so excited because they know it's for family home evening. Usually when I prepared YW handouts I made extras so that my kids could have them too... then we had discussions about whatever my lesson was in YW that day. I recently made a list of FHE ideas for my siblings. (I put together a FHE package for Christmas presents and this was in it.) I'll try to remember to attach it.
Communication. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk to my kids. They feel important when I share my feelings with them. I tell my kids when I'm feeling frustrated because of something, or when I'm sad because of something i heard on the news. I spontaneously bear my testimony or squeeze in a mini lesson about some gospel principle any time I can. I take every opportunity to turn anything into a conversation. All of our Little House on the Prairie shows turn into a conversation about friendship, or dating, racism or the word of wisdom. My kids constantly ask me about my childhood. When the kids pick a reward they often pick "lay on mom's bed and talk". Along these lines... I help my children envision their future by telling them about it. 'When you're married and have little kids I will come visit... or 'when you go on your first date you'll come home and sit on my bed to tell Dad and me all about it.' I just want them to start envisioning the 'plan' of their lives. Hopefully they'll always think it's totally natural to sit on my bed and tell me everything, because we've already been doing that all along.
We have a lot of family traditions. In just two weeks is our annual '100 days before Christmas' party. We always drink hot chocolate, watch a christmas movie, do a puzzle and decorate sugar cookies. We both love Christmas but my husband is a little boy when it comes to Christmas. Good times. Kids LOVE traditions. Pick some good ones and stick with them. Add new ones all the time.
I make up a lot of cleaning games and charts. Trying to be organized helps me to be sane... plus the kids LOVE to see new charts every couple weeks to make the same old jobs new and exciting. I've tried a ton. Some I've posted on my blog but I don't really remember where they all are. Check in March for our Lucky jars. That's always a hit. A couple years ago I made up 'The summer Points system and we've been done it for 3 summers now. My kids earn points for doing jobs -- 10 points for doing a job -- OR 20 points if you do the job with a happy attitude. It has helped a lot. Make a list of how to earn and spend their points.
We have a family motto. Ever since we had family prayer with just little Ryan we'd put out three hands in together and say 'LOVE'. We did it for years and years. About four years ago we changed it to 'NO EMPTY CHAIRS'. We do it after every family prayer. Our kids know what that means -- about being together in heaven - every single one of us. Our good friends started doing our 'LOVE' motto after their family prayers as well. They've elaborated on it and created words for each letter... L for Loyalty. o for Obedience. V for virtue and E for Education of (body, mind and spirit). I love it. Very cute. They just say LOVE during the whole week but then on Family Home Evening night they say 'The Chugg family is Loyal, the Chugg family is obedient, etc. One of my other good friends adopted a scripture as their family motto. Pick something and say it often or have it written down somewhere.
Sorry these ideas were all kind of random and disjointed. Hope you can find something interesting that works for you!! Be happy and keep having more kiddos. What a blessing they are. Thanks again for your kind words.
Talk to you soon.